


Rice-ing Hell

by Jigen



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Crack, Other, a small thing that got out of hand.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3425729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jigen/pseuds/Jigen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lupin and Jigen go shopping for groceries, but Fujiko shows up and makes the trip a lot harder than it has to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rice-ing Hell

**Author's Note:**

> A quick prompt given to me by Audrey. "jigen gets memed on jigen goes to the store"
> 
> Enjoy.

“What did Goemon want again? Miso or nori?”  


Lupin poked his head around the corner, a can of Sprite in hand. “Doesn’t matter—he’s gonna want both at some point. And, anyways, what you _should_ be worrying about is whether to get the name brand or not.”  


Letting out a small scoff, Jigen picked up a bag of nori and examined it carefully. “We’re thieves. We don’t have to worry about how much money we spend.”  


“Hey! Regarding prices, I’m always looking for a steal.” Wink.  


Jigen just let out a small groan in response and rubbed his face.  


“If it makes you happy,” Lupin said, tossing the soda into the cart, “I think Goemon asked for miso.”  


He dropped a store-brand tin of miso into the shopping cart, humming a jazzy tune.  


“Isn’t it dangerous to be out in the open like this?” Jigen asked, pushing the cart into the next aisle. “I mean, Zenigata could come waltzing in and we’d have to put off shopping for another day—you know how Goemon is when he gets hungry.”  


“Don’t be silly,” Lupin replied, casually throwing in a bag of trail mix, a jar of soba sauce, and a pack of hot dogs. “I tipped off Zenigata so he would try and find me in Australia. Right now, he thinks I’m Down Under trying to steal some rare metal.”  


The thief paused for a moment, leaning over to grab a pack of instant noodles. “Besides, it’s not like we’re stealing.”  


Letting out a dubious scoff, Jigen scratched at the side of his face and glanced down at his shopping list.  


“Looks like we just need to buy some rice—”  


_“Fujiko-chan!!!”_  


Oh boy.  


The gunslinger’s head shot up just in time to see Lupin practically tripping over himself to embrace Fujiko. In one hand, she tightly held a bag of rice—and, as far as Jigen could see, the _last_ bag of rice. Her muscles tensed as she began to raise the bag.  


“Lupin, wait—!”  


It was too late. There was a loud _smack!_ as a fifteen-pound sack was hurled at the thief’s face. After staggering for a moment or two, Lupin fell to the ground, letting out a small whine of pain. Jigen rushed over to help him up.  


“Fujiko-chan, that’s hardly the way to greet your boyfriend after a week,” he whined, now sporting a shiny black eye and a bruised forehead. With Jigen’s help, he managed to get to his feet again.  


Fujiko just let out a small chuckle before slinging the sack of rice over her shoulder. “Sorry, Lupin,” she said in a teasing tone. “I thought you liked it rough.”  


Frowning, Lupin rubbed the bruises on his face while Jigen stifled a laugh. “Now that’s just cruel,” he sighed, the pout on his face ruined by his expression of pain.  


“Now that we’ve properly greeted each other, may we please have that bag of rice?” Jigen asked, leaning against the grocery cart.  


Tilting her head to the side, Fujiko grinned mischievously. “Why should I? I need it much more than you do.”  


“Wh—You don’t need that much rice for yourself! Sharing is caring, am I right, Jigen?”  


Jigen finally let out a burst of laughter as he turned away from Lupin. “You, of all people, shouldn’t be saying that,” he snickered, pulling his hat further over his eyes.  


Letting out another whine, Lupin hung his head in mock pain. “You’re turning against me, too, Jigen?” he said in a pitiful tone.  


Jigen didn’t answer, too busy laughing.  


“The world is a cruel place,” he sighed, turning to Fujiko. “Hey—Fujiko-chan, why do you need that much rice anyways?”  


“That’s none of your business.”  


“You can’t even tell me?”  


“I can’t tell anyone—especially you.”  


“C’mon, Fujiko,” Lupin complained, making puppy dog eyes up at her (which was exceptionally difficult with a black eye). “Whatever the reason is, we need that bag of rice more than you.”  


“Oh?” She put her free hand on her hip, looking uninterested. “And why is that?”  


“We need rice for dinner tonight. Goemon can’t live without it and even I get a little homesick after not eating it for a while. He’ll probably slice us in half if we go back empty-handed.”  


“Not to mention that’s the last bag,” Jigen piped up, gesturing towards the empty shelf.  


Fujiko pondered this for a moment, swinging the bag idly from hand to hand. After a few moments, she smiled dangerously at Lupin. “I don’t think your friend’s temporary anger is worth my skin.”  


She began to walk away. Lupin stared after her for a moment before grabbing Jigen’s shoulder. “Are we gonna grab it?”  


A grin spreading across his face, Jigen grabbed the shopping cart. “Don’t have to ask me twice. Get in!”  


Lupin deftly leapt into the cart. With a grunt, Jigen raced down the aisle, gripping the bar tightly and aiming for Fujiko. The woman sidestepped the attack easily—but not before Lupin made a grab for the sack. The cart spun as the thief clung onto the rice and Jigen stumbled over his feet. Surprised, Fujiko let out a small yelp and briefly let go.  


Struggling to regain control of the cart, Jigen turned around and began to push the cart towards the cashiers, Lupin hugging the bag of rice like an enormous baby.  


“Pay for it, I’ll hold her off!” the gunslinger yelled, letting go of the cart and turning back to face—  


Two gunshots were fired. The cashiers screamed and ran, some even taking cover under the counters. The bullets from Fujiko’s gun bored two holes into the rice sack. Almost instantly, grains upon grains of rice began to pour out at an alarming pace. Lupin yelped, tilting the bag upside down so it would stop.  


“Watch where you’re shooting!” the thief yelled, looking incredibly hurt.  


Jigen drew his magnum and fired a shot at Fujiko. The pistol jumped out of her hand and clattered to the ground. Lupin was frantically counting out his money and putting it on the counter.  


“C’mon, you lousy dog, let’s go!” Lupin yelled as soon as he had finished ‘paying’ for the food, scrambling out of the cart and trying to push it along. Running back to the cart, Jigen fired two warning shots back at Fujiko before leaping into the cart and clutching the bag of rice.  


“Dog?!” Jigen snapped, examining the groceries to make sure they had gotten everything. “Lousy _dog?!”_  


“I wasn’t really thinking, alright?” Lupin wheezed in response.  


They had made it out into the parking lot and could see their yellow Fiat in the distance. Lupin huffed as he pushed the cart along as fast as he could. They were nearly there. The thief gave it one last shove before jumping into the cart with Jigen. They sped towards the car, they could make it, they _would_ make it. Briefly, Lupin looked back at the grocery store.  


He practically leapt back out again.  


Speeding towards them was another grocery cart, with Fujiko riding in it. There was a second of terror before she slammed into them.  


The bag of rice exploded. Lupin flew out of the cart and had somehow landed in the car, his limbs sprawled out in every direction. Jigen had ungracefully landed on his face, sliding on the asphalt as rice rained down on the parking lot.  


Gracefully, Fujiko hopped out of her cart, inspecting the damage. A frustrated expression was fixed upon her face. “The next closest grocery store with rice is a good twenty miles away!” she complained. “You guys are a waste of time!”  


She ran off to her motorcycle, which was sitting a few meters away. The bike gasped and puffed before roaring to life, and the thief sped away without so much of a goodbye.  


After a few minutes, Lupin let out a groan of pain and slowly poked his head out of the sunroof. His two black eyes made him look like some sort of strange panda. Lupin blinked a few times, his vision blurry. Someone was walking towards them. The figure stopped, looking around the parking lot. He stared down at Jigen for a moment before addressing Lupin.  


“I came to tell you two that I found an extra bag of rice in our hideout,” Goemon said carefully, “but I think I’ve arrived too late.”  


There was a pause before the samurai continued. “I heard about a shoot-out at the local grocery store.”  


Lupin let out a small grunt, screwing his eyes shut. “Hmph! Shoot-out! Only a few shots were fired,” he said. “The media warps everything out of proportion nowadays.”  


Slowly, Jigen stumbled to his feet, a new cut on his forehead. “Damn,” he hissed, carefully poking the wound to test how bad it was. He leaned over to pick up is magnum and holster it. “Let’s just—”  


His sentence was cut off by the sound of police sirens in the distance. Lupin let out a disappointed huff.  


“And I thought we could have had a normal shopping trip for once,” he sighed, climbing into the driver’s seat and starting the engine. “Hey! Let’s go before the cops get here!”  


Goemon ran over and got into the backseat. Jigen tried scooping up as many groceries as he could before scrambling into the passenger seat. With that, the Fiat sped out of the parking lot and onto the road.  


After a few minutes of driving in silence, Jigen let out a frustrated grunt. “I can’t believe that shopping trip was for nothing,” he grumbled.  


“Well, I did get to see Fujiko dear after a very long week without her,” Lupin said, glancing back to see if there were any police cars chasing them.  


“Not to mention the other food you bought.” Goemon sat cross-legged in the backseat, looking out the window. “You did remember to buy the nori for tonight’s dinner, yes?”  


Jigen and Lupin froze.


End file.
